Fat Inside

Today my chronicle is a short one.

So, I am currently the smallest I have been in years, 10 years to be exact. But why do I still feel fat.  My clothes are practically falling off and I can now fit in my size 12 jeans (yes, I saved a few of those) but I am not excited.  I am not jumping over hoops with joy.

I have dropped from a size 20 to a size 12.  I have been working for this, crying for this, starving myself for this but I look at myself in the mirror and I still feel fat…..

Being overweight lowers your self esteem.  I got so used to seeing myself as this ugly, shapeless blob that it may take time for me to accept my new found shape.  I got used to hiding my pot belly in unflattering outfits that I am now finding it very difficult to display my new found shape.  The shape I have worked so hard for. The toned thighs and almost flat stomach  I have worked so hard for.  Waking up at 5.30 am on a Saturday morning to go running and religiously walking 9 km from work to home.

I used to spend my evenings planning what to wear the next day as I needed an outfit that would hide my belly.  I now spend the same evenings trying on outfits and finding it hard to imagine that the same clothes are practically falling off.  I seek affirmation from all to really get the message home that I am no longer carrying an extra 32 kilograms.

I will get used to this new bod.  I will celebrate it.  I will finally be over the burden of carrying extra weight, both physically and emotionally.

Till then, I have 4 more kilograms to lose.  I gave myself a stretch target of losing an extra 5 kilograms to lose after I met my original target.

My current fear is, will I permanently be on weight loss mode….